I'm Good At What I Do, Let Me Do It.

As kids, our parents encourage us to find something we truly enjoy and turn it into a fulfilling career. Because as we all know, living isn't free. And why shouldn't you do something you enjoy everyday AND get paid for it.

I chose to be an artist. In short, I get paid to color and play with shapes all day. Who wouldn't love that, right? In reality its a lot more complicated than red triangles and blue squares. WAY more complicated. Especially when non-artists try to be artists and they start stepping on my toes. Let me do my job and you will be happy with your design. I promise. This is what I do.

If you absolutely can't let your design rest in the capable hands of a talented artist, and you insist on shoving me aside, here are a few tips. These will make my job a hell of a lot easier and in the end, your design better. So its a win-win. Please pay attention.

1. Magic is for Fairy Tales. A low-resolution 72 dpi web image cannot be magically made into a 300 dpi high- resolution print ready image. Its like trying to shove a square peg through a round hole. You can force it as much as you want. But the result is going to look like shit. And if you want your design to look like shit, then that's cool. But don't blame it on me. When I ask for high-res or vector files its not because I'm not talented, its because I want my work to be high quality and there's nothing I can do to make 72 dpi look better.

2. My Taste Will Not Match Yours. Please don't tell me to design whatever I think looks good if you know exactly what you want. It makes me feel like an idiot for wasting my creative time.

3. Color Varies. If you know what color you want used, please pick a Pantone. I see colors differently than you do. But Pantones are universal. I can match a Pantone no matter what the medium.

4. Be Patient. Creativity, as limitless as it is, is a process. And it takes time. To create something from nothing that inspires and makes a statement in today's world is hard. Especially when you do it every day. Give me time to work some magic.

5. You Are My Client, And I Want You To Be Happy. Lets be honest. What you want designed, really might not be very good. In fact, it might be kind of horrid. But in the end, you're paying me to do it. So I will give you what you want, with a smile on my face. But that particular piece will not make an appearance in my portfolio.

So please, for the love of all the beautiful art in the world, let me do what I do best. You won't be disappointed. I promise. Because unlike the masses that hate their job, I take pride in my work and I love what I do.

I Really Don't Need My Brain...Not.

Freight trains, sledgehammers, fog horns, vices. Take your pick. One or all of them. It doesn't really matter. They each have a debilitating effect on your brain. Especially when they accompany a headache. And apparently my head is where the party's at and someone failed to mention that the venue has already been booked with more important things like work and everyday life. They are wreaking havoc on my brain. Sometimes all at once. And its getting to be too much to handle.

Overwhelming is a bit of an understatement. I need my brain to function properly. I can't go to work every day and not be able to design the amazing shit I do if my head is constantly under this kind of physical pressure. Why must this be happening when I have absolutely nothing to stress over? Wouldn't it make more sense to have constant headaches when you're stressed out? That would probably be too easy. So obviously there is something wrong with my head.

I've tried just about everything I can think of. Pain meds, sleep, tea, exercise, diet, hot showers, cold showers... nothing seems to be helping. It may be time to get in to see a doctor. Now all I need to do is find one who doesn't think I'm making this shit up. Cuz that would suck.

F.I.N.E.

You know in The Italian Job when they say that "FINE" stands for freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional? Yeah. That's been me for the past few days. And I'm not entirely sure I know why or where it came from. What I do know is that I'm not happy with how I've been acting lately. I've been taking out my issues on the ones I love the most and that's not fair. Not fair at all.

When it comes down to it, I think most of my problem is stress and lack of exercise. The stress of moving not only into a new home, but also a new workspace. The stress of having to clean, fix, and do all kinds of shit to the old place so the landlords don't try and take me to the bank. The stress of working 43 hours a week. I know… a lot of people work a lot more hours. But add in the hour and a half commute to and from work everyday and you get 11 to 12 hour days. Add that to making dinner, bathing a little one, and doing any chores that are a part of everyday life and I barely get enough time to sit down and unwind before its time to go to bed and do it all again the next day.

Its all about balance. With all the changes lately I haven't been adjusting to the new balance that is my life very smoothly. All the changes are fantastic and I love that I am building a great life with the man that I love. Everything I ever wanted is finally falling into place. I am terrified however, that with my lack of adjustment I am going to screw something up. So what I need to do is get over myself and let the stress and needless emotions go.

I am rapidly coming to believe all the hype that exercise really is important in a well balanced life. I have been actively hiding from the exercise I used to be so addicted to . I can give you every excuse under the sun as to why I haven't been doing it, but reality is, I've gotten lazy. I know it will help me let the stress go and yet I have refuse to do it. So heres to feeling better and getting over myself. Two mile runs everyday this week. 2.5 next.

Oh and btw.. thanks for putting up with my shit, I never meant to take it out on you. I love you.

24 Hours in a Day. Can I get 36?

Time. Some say there's so little of it to go around. Others say it drags on forever. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. 24 hours in a day. Time doesn't change. It doesn't vary. It doesn't speed up or slow down. So why then, does it seem to slip through our fingers?

The modern world runs on time. Be here at this time. Leave at that time. Can't we all just slow down bit and be for lack of a better word, a bit lazy? Why does everything have to be done yesterday?

I long for the days when you could lay around all day and do absolutely nothing. Or when you could actually go to bed at a decent hour and get a full nights rest. But in todays world those days are few and far between.

I don't really feel like I'm running out of time. My batteries just need to be recharged. Or I need 3 more sets of arms to miraculously grow out of my sides. 

A few more days and I can sit back and relax. I think.

You want Rights? I think NOT.

Children. Kids. Offspring. Youth. It really doesn't matter what you call them. All the "names" have the same meaning. They are our young, the people we raise to succeed us in life. We teach them trust and respect. We teach them how to be good, strong, successful people. We teach them the value in life, whatever your value might be. Kids are truly amazing. Their eagerness to learn and grow astounds us all. The rate in which they soak up life is so rapid many of us adults look at them in wonder when they problem solve something for themselves for the first time.

Yeah, sure. They have their moments and more often than not make you want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs. Its a learning process for all parties involved. Its not easy and its not always pleasant, but the end result is well worth it. And, I for one, wouldn't change it for the world.

Children deserve to be loved. But I think most importantly, they deserve to be respected. They didn't pop out after 9 months going, "I'm going to make my parents' life a living hell."  All they want is to be loved and taught, from the moment they are born.

But when did it start to be okay to remove that respect? To damage the life you knowingly created? To walk away and "someday" make it better and be a better person? When did it start to be okay to choose "them" and "it" over him? Ha. What a joke. Apparently your priorities are fuckin screwed.

You've had the benefit of the doubt time and time again. Well this is the last time. Its one thing to steal and lie and cheat the adults in your life. But to assume that since you sired a son, you automatically get rights, you're fucking crazy. I will no longer bend over backwards to keep you in his life. I am so tired of watching you destroy any trust he has. Yeah, you are his father, but so what? What have you honestly ever done for him? Where is the support he needs from you, emotionally, physically AND monetarily? You don't deserve to be his dad. You don't deserve to be with him. Go ahead and flush your life down the toilet. He doesn't need to be exposed to you or your life. He deserves so much better than YOU. I refuse to let you hurt him anymore.

Don't worry though, he doesn't want for anything. He has everything he could ever want. He's happy and he's loved and he doesn't need you. And the main reason? Because I am a GREAT mom and I stepped up to the plate where you have failed so miserably.

Then VS Now

If there is one thing I have learned in my 26, almost 27 years, it is that no one has the answers. No one can tell you where you are, where you're going, who you are or who you'll become. Perhaps there inlies the beauty of it all. It is, always has been, and always will be YOUR journey. What you choose to do with it and those you choose to take along for the ride is up to you.

While I was in college I met who I thought was the love of my life. Without restraint, I threw myself into the relationship. Yeah, that was smart. Not. It was wrong from the start. But with those damn rose colored glasses, I tricked myself into believing that what was happening was normal. The drugs, the cheating, the money, the jail, the abuse… Thats what all couples go through, isn't it?  If you love someone, you stick by them through thick and thin? Duh. Just get through the bad and the good will come. Right? NOT. A big fat resounding FUCK NO. The only good that came from any of it was the birth of my precious son. For years I stood by his side unappreciated and unloved. Rosy hue and all, I allowed the abuse to happen. That girl I once knew, innocent, kind, and passionate, slowly faded away. I became bitter and lonely. I missed who I was. He took from me the best parts of myself and I was desperately trying to keep a grip on what small shattered pieces remained.

Eventually, something snapped. Who did I think I was letting someone take advantage of everything I had to offer? I deserved more. I deserved it all. Respect, trust, love, and friendship. That girl I once was no longer seemed like an illusion. There she was staring back at me in the mirror screaming for an escape. The woman I had become wanted to know her again. All I had to do was choose. The one and only thing we are guaranteed as humans: The power to choose which path we want our lives to follow. It seemed so simple and when it came down to it, it was. Yeah, sure, I loved him. Or thought I did. Maybe I loved what I thought we had. Regardless, I was done. I was tired of letting someone who had no right walk all over me. So I left. 

At first, I didn't have a clue how I was to be a competent, strong single mother who needed to find her way back to that girl. Then it dawned on me. I had always been a single mother. I never had any help, why would it be different now? It wasn't going to be hard because I was already doing it. Simple? Yes. Liberating? Fuck. YEAH. The only challenge that lay before me was stripping away the layers of pain and discovering who I really was. With the strength and support of friends and family and the healing only time can offer, I found her. It was bittersweet and long overdue. I am finally and without abandon me, the woman that is passionate, and kind, and full of joy. The woman I knew I would always become, the woman that I love.

Today, I have moved on. All that hate isn't gone and it will probably never go away, but the pain is put to rest. I may have given my innocence away blindly all those years ago, but through it all I have learned what it truly is to love and be loved in return. So thank you, if it wasn't for all the pain and hell you put me through, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today. 

Nor would I have met the most amazing man I could ask for. What I thought was love doesn't even begin to compare to the love I feel today. Love really is all I dreamed it could be. And it is absolutely fantastic. I am in a healthy relationship with my best friend. What more could I ask for? He's genuine and loving and I have never been happier.

It may sound cliche, but the beginning of the rest of my life starts now. It is my choice what path I take. But I know for damn sure who I'm takin' with me. Life is beautiful and a wonderful gift and I intend from this moment on to experience everything it has to offer. 

~CJaye