If there is one thing I have learned in my 26, almost 27 years, it is that no one has the answers. No one can tell you where you are, where you're going, who you are or who you'll become. Perhaps there inlies the beauty of it all. It is, always has been, and always will be YOUR journey. What you choose to do with it and those you choose to take along for the ride is up to you.
While I was in college I met who I thought was the love of my life. Without restraint, I threw myself into the relationship. Yeah, that was smart. Not. It was wrong from the start. But with those damn rose colored glasses, I tricked myself into believing that what was happening was normal. The drugs, the cheating, the money, the jail, the abuse… Thats what all couples go through, isn't it? If you love someone, you stick by them through thick and thin? Duh. Just get through the bad and the good will come. Right? NOT. A big fat resounding FUCK NO. The only good that came from any of it was the birth of my precious son. For years I stood by his side unappreciated and unloved. Rosy hue and all, I allowed the abuse to happen. That girl I once knew, innocent, kind, and passionate, slowly faded away. I became bitter and lonely. I missed who I was. He took from me the best parts of myself and I was desperately trying to keep a grip on what small shattered pieces remained.
Eventually, something snapped. Who did I think I was letting someone take advantage of everything I had to offer? I deserved more. I deserved it all. Respect, trust, love, and friendship. That girl I once was no longer seemed like an illusion. There she was staring back at me in the mirror screaming for an escape. The woman I had become wanted to know her again. All I had to do was choose. The one and only thing we are guaranteed as humans: The power to choose which path we want our lives to follow. It seemed so simple and when it came down to it, it was. Yeah, sure, I loved him. Or thought I did. Maybe I loved what I thought we had. Regardless, I was done. I was tired of letting someone who had no right walk all over me. So I left.
At first, I didn't have a clue how I was to be a competent, strong single mother who needed to find her way back to that girl. Then it dawned on me. I had always been a single mother. I never had any help, why would it be different now? It wasn't going to be hard because I was already doing it. Simple? Yes. Liberating? Fuck. YEAH. The only challenge that lay before me was stripping away the layers of pain and discovering who I really was. With the strength and support of friends and family and the healing only time can offer, I found her. It was bittersweet and long overdue. I am finally and without abandon me, the woman that is passionate, and kind, and full of joy. The woman I knew I would always become, the woman that I love.
Today, I have moved on. All that hate isn't gone and it will probably never go away, but the pain is put to rest. I may have given my innocence away blindly all those years ago, but through it all I have learned what it truly is to love and be loved in return. So thank you, if it wasn't for all the pain and hell you put me through, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today.
Nor would I have met the most amazing man I could ask for. What I thought was love doesn't even begin to compare to the love I feel today. Love really is all I dreamed it could be. And it is absolutely fantastic. I am in a healthy relationship with my best friend. What more could I ask for? He's genuine and loving and I have never been happier.
It may sound cliche, but the beginning of the rest of my life starts now. It is my choice what path I take. But I know for damn sure who I'm takin' with me. Life is beautiful and a wonderful gift and I intend from this moment on to experience everything it has to offer.
